It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside…

It’s kinda funny that the more I structure my life and the more I work away from kinks and problems that come with a weird brain chemistry the less I feel like myself. I desperately need to remember to pay my bills and eat and similar things. But the more external control and focus that I excersise on my very messy mind I feel a little like I’m getting more firmly caught and stuck in a spider’s web, or as if I’m repeatedly chopping off my foot that then keep on regrowing only for me to do it all over again.

I’m so desperate in my attempts to control myself that I feel like the my has slipped the self. This might be part or entirely a delusion I gently whisper in my mind’s ear to justify not trying very hard at continued structure. But sometimes you just get sick of the to-do lists, the inane habits and the strict walking of that line which is arbitrarily set by others.

This can only end badly, but…sometimes you just don’t have the energy to care so you say fuck it and roll with the shit. I just hope I don’t mean that literally.

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~ by Ape on May 29, 2013.

2 Responses to “It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside…”

  1. I think many of us, especially those of us who are neurodiverse, face similar (if often different) challenges. I guess it’s some combination of the very real need for control (meaning taking care of yourself in basic ways) and reaching a point where you know it’s okay to let go and let it be.

    Ultimately, I think most of us want to relax and be happy, with whatever we’ve got and whatever that might mean. Or at peace, or whatever it is that’s the opposite of worry and stress. I like what Joss Whedon said about that recently at some talk he gave.

    http://jezebel.com/joss-whedon-reminds-you-kindly-that-peace-is-not-the-sa-510143130

    • “Peace comes from the acceptance of the part of you that can never be at peace. It will always be in conflict. If you accept that, everything gets a lot better.”

      Damn. I think I just got handed to me exactly what I needed in this specific moment. Anal-retentive control just isn’t for me no matter how hard I try, there’ll be no peace unless I get a little lost. Cheers muchly for that link. 🙂

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