Yeah, so what comes after sunscreen?

When I was fifteen “wear sunscreen” seemed like a legit and adequate enough of an advice for the future. Now however when maturity is gaining substance and age is becoming a lot more abstract and easily forgotten it has sorta lost its POW.

So I’m closing in on thirty and big picture picture this is no age at all, but it’s reminding me of how lost I am. I’ve literally spent thirty years flailing. It’s over a decade of free falling while randomly and loudly exclaiming SQUIRREL!! as something briefly catches my attention. Then I’m back to letting the wind ruffle my hair as I go weeeeee while spiraling mindlessly.

This has worked. It does work. To some degree at least. But…I’m kinda…I think I need a quest. Something that is a little abstract but can be wrestled into a tangible square of physicality. But the thing is I’m still that lost person. I don’t have a strong conviction that I can use as my calling. Or if I do there’s been too many squirrels along the way to sorta dim the radiance of my zealotry. So again, here I am, lost.

Is this what they mean with age crisis? Could be maybe. But it’s not the age that’s the problem, because that’s pointless, or well it is to me. The problem is that I’ve leveled up, but I don’t know what to spend these new experience points on. In a matter of speaking.

Yeah, I can probably continue with this post with another seven hundred words, but they’d all be metaphors for being lost. So I might as well be content with what I have and for now leave it at that. However I would gladly accept advice beyond wear sunscreen.



(As I’m looking over the draft of this post it’s becoming abundantly clear what this is all about. My two/three year cycle is closing in on its end stage and I’m becoming restless to the point of being lost and delirious sans the suicidal tendencies. I don’t have any internal long-term motivation so I have to create it artificially through physical plans on paper. Right now I’m in an open-ended one which leaves little to no room for change and it’s making me feel a little cagey. Not because there is something wrong with what I have, but because there is something wrong with my mind. Sitting still does not seem to be an option that gives me much comfort beyond a quick coffee (that’s both figuratively and literally). As much as I revel in the planning and the mental quaking it’s always a life crisis. It’s a kind of rebirth that hurts. Also it’s a dangerously arbitrary selection of singling out on distraction that’s nurtured into a way. Still I’d very much appreciate advice of any kind. In fact I’m jonesing for some.)


~ by Ape on May 24, 2013.

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